I went to mass this afternoon, looking for a bit of inspiration, peace of heart/mind and clarity.
I felt desolated (what's new?) so I thought a conversation with God and myself would cheer me up.
The priest ended his homily with a quote which goes something like:

"Love carries a burden, but feels no burden."

And so I tell myself, maybe I just need to love.. more.

falling in love is like looking at the stars...

if you pick one out of the billions, and stare at it long enough..

all the others just fade away. :)

i don't really know why, but i feel happy today.

i'm tired, and i feel sick. sobrang nanghihina ako and bagsak yung katawan ko. tapos masakit at mabigat pa yung braso ko dahil sa tetanus toxoid injection.

di pa rin ako nakakapagstart mag-aral para sa exam namin sa Tuesday and i doubt i'll have much time to study this weekend. i'll have to cram on monday. tulog kasi nang tulog sa class si gago. haha, whattaway to start med school ace. :)

anyway, masaya ako. and i'll try to keep it this way everyday. :)

yun na lang muna, papahinga pa ako haha, ayoko magkasakit. :)

edited.

symptoms: difficulty in breathing, shortness of breath, pounding in temples and slight head ache. doctor, am i going to die? :(

para lang yang bus stop.

maghihintay ka ba hanggang dumating yung bus na hinihintay mo o lilipat ka ng stop?

gaano katagal ka maghihintay?

paano kung, sa tagal mong maghintay, dumaan na yung ibang bus sa ibang stops at wala ka nang ibang masasakyan?

pero paano naman kung lumipat ka na ng stop tapos dumaan pala yung bus na matagal mo nang hinintay doon sa dating stop?

manghihinayang ka ba?

sa huli, ikaw lang ang makapagsasabi kung hanggang kailan ka maghihintay at kung lilipat ka ng stop.

ako, the only time i'll leave this bus stop is if another bus picks me up.

hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal pa ako maghihintay..

kung ilang oras, araw, linggo, buwan o taon pa.

pero sa ngayon, nagdesisyon na muna akong maghintay.

at paninindigan ko iyon, taas-noo at nakangiti. :)

first day. wow. dapat big thing di ba?

guess what..

boring..

at sobrang nakakapagod.

ang masama pa roon..

napagod ako kahit wala naman kaming ginawa kung di umupo. :))

Stolen
by: Dashboard Confessional

We watch the season pull up its own stakes
And catch the last weekend of the last week
Before the gold and the glimmer have been replaced,
Another sun soaked season fades away

You have stolen my heart

Invitation only, grant farewells
Crush the best one, of the best ones
Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight

You have stolen my heart

And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

You have stolen
You have stolen my heart

I watch you spin around in the highest heels
You are the best one, of the best ones
We all look like we feel

You have stolen my
You have stolen my heart

i love this song.. kahit nakakasad. haha :)

post ko lang lyrics dito, for future reference.

The perfect words never crossed my mind,
'cause there was nothing in there but you,
I felt every ounce of me screaming out,
But the sound was trapped deep in me,
All I wanted just span right past me,
While I was rooted fast to the earth,
I could be stuck here for a thousand years,
Without your arms to drag me out.

There you are standing right in front of me.
There you are standing right in front of me.
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety.

No I won't wait forever..
No I won't wait forever..

In the confusion and the aftermath,
You are my signal fire,
The only resolution and the only joy,
Is the faint spark of forgiveness in your eyes.

There you are standing right in front of me.
There you are standing right in front of me.
All this fear falls away to leave me naked,
Hold me close cause I need you to guide me to safety

No I won't wait forever..
No I won't wait forever..
No I won't wait forever.

Lee: for ace, i ain't busy.

how i wish all of my "friends" are like Lee.

Dixi: im a genius with metaphors. you can quote me, dork.

check it out.

http://acetig.livejournal.com

then go to "Friends".

tell me what you think about my new layout/design. :)

imperfect and incomplete,
with selfishness its only defeat,
my love is beginning to mature.

a promise i will now make:
amidst fear and pain,
my love will remain.
after all, ardent and true
is my love for you.

no need to comprehend..
even i cannot fully understand
the way i feel
or what my heart truly desires.

but of one thing i am certain:
as long as you are happy,
then i will be contented.

this is my resolve:

because i have chosen to love,
i will love fully and endlessly.
and, because i am weak,
i pray that i will be able to keep
the vow that i have made
whatever the future may hold.

Comment below and I will:

1 - Tell you why I friended you.
2 - Associate you with something. A fandom, a song, a colour, a piece of fruit. SOMETHING.
3 - Tell you something I like about you.
4 - Tell you a memory I have of you.
5 - Associate you with a breed of dog.
6 - Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7 - Tell you my favorite user pic of yours.
8 - In retort, you must spread this disease in your LJ (if you want).

*sorry kung hindi ako agad makareply, i'll be out April 18-22 because of our Laoag trip. :) pero if you reply early enough, baka makabigay agad ako ng sagot. :)

i am coining this word. everyone who wants to use it should ask permission from me. :D

kasama na rin ang: emocentric, emocentrically, at emocentrism (thanks to robert gay)

two very important things i learned from the recollection i attended yesterday:
1. don't let love be defeated by pain.
2. we must do good even when we don't feel good.

Fr. Go was right. we shouldn't allow ourselves be controlled by our feelings. feelings are just feelings and they should not dictate our whole being.

i have been gripped by my pain and depression for so long. a lot of people have noticed and have brought this to my attention.

to those who may read this entry, i am very sorry for being so immature and/or inconsiderate these past few months (or even years). i guess i have just been too emotional.

that's my problem i guess. despite my alleged 'intelligence', i allow my heart to rule over my life. when i'm happy, it's easy for me to make other people happy. when i'm sad, it reflects in the way i act and relate with people. my entire being has been reduced to my emotions and i have forgotten that i am still in control of my life, despite how i am feeling.

so many times have i tried to break free from the pain but so many times have i failed. now, i realize that there is no need to break free from the pain. the pain will always be there, the challenge now is to accept it.

this is the true test of one's character: to acknowledge and accept the presence of pain and to overcome it with love.

it is so easy to do good when we feel good and it is so easy to love when we feel loved. but, when we don't feel good or loved, when we feel that we have been wronged, when we feel that we were put down or rejected, we often forget to love and sometimes we even hurt those who love us.

i pray that as i continue to grow, i will be able to completely overcome pain with love and that i may still be able to do good even when i don't feel good.

jo recommended that i read it so i did. here are some random quotes i wish to store here in my LJ for future reference.

"In the search for happiness, however, we are all equal: none of us is happy - not the banker/musician, the dentist/writer, the checkout girl/actress, or the housewife/model."

"But if I don't think about love, I will be nothing."

"All my life, I thought of love as some kind of voluntary enslavement. Well, that's a lie: freedom only exists when love is present. The person who gives him or herself wholly, the person who feels freest, is the person who loves most wholeheartedly. And the person who loves wholeheartedly feels free."

"In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel."

"That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it."

"Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path. No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded. Other people think exactly the opporsite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything. Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it - which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?"

"Profound desire, true desire, is the desire to be close to someone."

"I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I'm not expecting anything to come of it."

"Every human being experiences his or her own desire; it is part of our personal treasure and, although, as an emotion, it can drive people away, generally speaking, it brings those who are important to us closer."

"I thanked him for reminding me that what the eyes don't see, the heart does grieve over."

"You can't say to the spring: 'Come now and last as long as possible.' You can only say: 'Come and bless me with your hope, and stay as long as you can.'"

WOW, mag-uupdate na ako ulit. hahaha, after a month or so of being stagnant. (tapos yung last post ko pa medyo stupid)

here goes nothing: (kung ayaw niyo basahin yung buo, tingnan niyo na lang yung mga topic na interesting na nasa [ ])

1. [NAKPIL] nakalimutan ko ikwento (or naikwento ko na ba?) na nag-move in na ako sa nakpil last june. not really move in as in permanent residence, pero dun ako nakatira during weekdays. housemates ko sina agu, fred and errol. nung una actually sobrang excited ako na magdorm kasi marami na akong maattend na class activities tsaka mga himed games tapos pwede na rin ako sumama sa mga kaibigan ko tuwing gabi. ngayon, di naman na ako sobrang excited, i got used to it. masaya ang pagdodorm sa nakpil, hindi ako masyadong nalolonely (unlike before). masaya rin kasi may mga kausap ka lagi, tapos merong nagwawatch out for your back (gaya nung isang gabi, tinirhan nila ako ng pagkain kahit late na ko umuwi). although may times din naman na gusto ko nang privacy kaso wala naman akong choice haha. isa lang talaga ang talagang ayoko sa pag"dodorm":

ANG GASTOS!

lagi ako walang pera, laging di nakakasave. paano ako makakaipon para sa mga regalo sa kaibigan ko? paano ako makakaipon para sa mga lakwatsa ng xavier barkada (although bihira naman kami lumalabas hehe).

nahihiya naman ako sa nanay ko na humingi ng allowance raise.. pagtitiyagaan ko na lang hahaha.

kung nababasa man niyo to, housemates, salamat. 6 years pa tayong magiging housemates. grabe, sino kayang magiging Pinoy Big Winner sa ating apat? hahahaha :))

2. [ACADS] as usual, toxic nanaman acads. kahit pa mahal ko ang Bio, dahil sa dami ng pinaaaral sa org chem, physics, natsci at hum, nawawalan na rin ako ng gana. feeling ko kasi parang di na learning ang nagiging major focus ko, instead yung grade na lang, which is really bad. at any rate, org chem lang naman alanganin sa akin ngayon, so i guess talagang dapat magpasalamat ako sa Diyos :)

3. [PGH CHAPEL AND MASS] may kakaibang solace at serenity akong nararamdaman tuwing nagpupunta ako sa PGH chapel at nagsisimba. nung isang araw nga, sobrang bad mood ako, kaya naisipan ko na lang magsimba. ewan ko ba bakit, basta iritang irita ako nung araw na yun. so ayun, nagsimba ako kasi pinalayas kami sa lab nang maaga. wala namang masyadong naka-strike sa akin sa mga readings pati sa homily. pero after the mass, nagstay ako for 15 minutes or so.. tapos, ewan ko kung bakit, pero umiyak ako. hindi naman hagulgol, pero talagang iyak. medyo mabigat ang mga pinag-iisipan ko nung panahon na yun. siguro mechanism na rin ng katawan ko na mailabas yung stress. matagal na din naman akong hindi umiiyak nang ganun. so ayun, after composing myself, umalis na ako sa chapel at kahit papaano parang gumaan yung pakiramdam ko.

4. [SOCIAL DANCE] isa sa mga pinakamasayang subject namin this sem ay ang PE2 Social Dancing. unang una, dati ko pa gustong matutong sumayaw kasi hindi naman talaga akong marunong (kaliwa ang dalawang paa ko). pangalawa, masayang-masaya ako kasi partner ko si Jo (naks haha). si Jo, marunong naman yan sumayaw, siya nga laging pinadedemo ni Igor kung may gustong idemo si sir. buti naman patient si jo, kahit natapakan ko siya one time di naman niya ako pinagpalit sa iba. tsaka, kahit na minsan di ko magets yung steps, patient din siya (although minsan parang mukhang naiinis na hehe). pangatlo, masaya tong PE na to kasi useful, di tulad nung last sems namin na walking at arnis. nakakalungkot na matatapos na ang sem, finals na nga namin sa wednesday. pero ok lang kasi meron namang.. SD2!!!!! yey. (hehe parang bata)

5. [SECRECY] narealize ko lang sa sarili ko na hindi na pwede yung ginagawa ko dati na maging open book sa lahat ng tao. maraming negatibong effects ang pagiging masyadong open at ngayon talagang pinipili ko na lang sino ang mga pinagkakatiwalaan ko ng mga sikreto ko.

6. [BUDDY] masaya ako sa buddy kong si Ace. kahit na hindi naman kami gaanong close, mabait naman siya at hindi siya walang kwentang buddy haha. sana lang sa sunod makapag-usap naman kami tungkol sa ibang bagay, hindi lang yung puro acads. hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit lagi siyang stressed sa acads, dapat matuto siyang magrelax hahaha :))

7. [FAMILY] nakakalungkot lang na parang hindi na ako gaanong informed sa mga nangyayari sa pamilya. paano ba naman, weekdays wala ako sa bahay. minsan nahuhuli na ako sa balita, may nag-away na pala o ano. namimiss ko na rin yung dati na gabi gabi kasama ko mga magulang at kapatid ko. namimiss ko na rin nephew ko.. ang cute cute niya, mana kay uncle hehehe. :) ever since umalis yung katulong, sina mommy at si kai (sister-in-law ko) na ang nagluluto. and, in fairness, magaling sila haha. every time nasa bahay ako tuwing weekends, laging special yung pagkain (except tonight ata, wala kasi si ma). kaya ako tumataba eh hehe.

8. [ANTICIPATING] magsesembreak na ulit. at di ko alam ano ang gagawin ko. more or less magpapahinga lang ako hahaha. gusto ko nang magbum around ulit. pero gusto ko rin maging productive.. kahit magpapayat or something hahaha. sa summer vacation na ulit ako magdrdriving lessons siguro.

9. [JAMMING SESSION] nung isang gabi, nagjamming session kami nila fred. si fred sa kahon, agu sa electric guitar, at ako sa vocals (Wahaha). si yalung at errol ang aming gracious audience. grabe, ang saya. ibang klase kapag mga rock songs ang kinakanta, feel na feel ko magwala talaga hahahaha. kaya ngayon, nagdownload ako ng napakaraming tabs at chords para kay algene. para makapag-jamming ulit kami next week haha.

10. [JUS-TINE] masaya ako para sa inyo :) alam ko namang mahal na mahal niyo ang isa't isa. :) justin, sana natatandaan mo yung pinag-usapan natin sa kotse nung isang gabi, yung pag nagkagirlfriend ka na, forever and ever na yun. haha, ibang klase ka nga pala justin, matapang kang lalaki :)) tine, pag pinagpalit ka ni gago sa Ragna at DotA, sabihin mo lang sa akin, axe kick ko si gago hahahaha.

11. [IPC] nakakalungkot na tapos na.. eto pa naman yung isa sa mga paraan na 'forced' ka na makilala yung mga kagrupo mo kahit pa ayaw mo sa kanila. dahil dito, nakilala ko nang mas maayos yung mga group mates ko. naging mas close din ako sa kanila kahit papaano. natatawa lang ako kasi may nangyari noong isang past IPC session, tapos unexpectedly naging beneficial siya para sa akin hahaha.

12. [HAPPY] masaya ako sa buhay ko sa ngayon. although di ko masasabing kontento ako, masaya pa rin ako. unang una, nakakausap ko na ulit si trix nang maayos. malaking bagay yan, kasi pag med proper na and all, malamang magkakasama pa rin kami. so kailangan wala nang hiyaan and stuff haha. nagpapasalamat naman ako sa kanya na hindi na niya ako sinosnob haha. although, tingin ko pa rin nag-overreact siya dun sa sulat. pero next time na yun. siguro pag tama na ang panahon, mapapag-usapan din namin yung sulat na yun hahaha :))

13. [INSPIRED] matagal ko nang gusto magbago. i mean yung total package. una, physically, gusto ko na pumayat (kahit konti lang). nahihirapan na rin kasi ako sa tuhod ko, laging masakit. tapos, ampanget ko pa sa mga video at pictures hahaha lalo na sa video kasi nagbubulge yung tiyan ko madalas tuwing gumagalaw ako haha. pangalawa, sa ugali ko, minsan kasi feeling ko masyado na akong mayabang. kailangan ko talaga siyang bawasan kahit papaano. alam kong napapatawa ko mga tao sa kayabangan ko, pero alam kong minsan nakakahurt na rin ako ng ego haha. marami pa rin akong gusto baguhin sa ugali ko pero next time na yun. pangatlo, gusto ko na ulit maging malapit sa Diyos. nawala kasi nung naggraduate ako sa xavier. parang sobrang ibang mundo, hindi ako nakaadjust agad tapos nakalimutan ko na si Jess.

ngayon, inspired na ulit ako magbago. i wanna change myself for my own sake and i wanna be the best person i can be for her sake as well (whoever she might be) :P

14. [PREMATURE] may nagawa akong bagay na hindi ko pa talagang iniintend na gawin. hindi ko tuloy alam kung tama ba yung ginawa ko o hindi hahaha :) pero nagawa ko na, at okay lang naman sa akin na nagawa ko na. wala rin naman akong inaasahang mangyayari kung ginawa ko siya kaya ok lang na ginawa ko na. ika nga, seize the day. hindi rin naman irrational, rash at impulsive yung ginawa ko, pero di ko pa talaga intention siyang gawin. feeling ko kasi hindi pa proper yung panahon. ewan ko kung ano bang nagtake over sa akin para gawin ko yun :)) no regrets though. at kahit papaano, masaya akong nagawa ko na. hahahaha. (kung hindi mo maintindihan, wag mo nang intindihin. sasakit lang ulo mo.)

Rules:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!

1. How are you feeling today?
Only Hope - Mandy Moore
HAHAHA UMAASA PA AKO!! :))

2. Will you get far in life?
Ulan - Cueshe
WTF.

3. How do your friends see you?
Pwede Ba - Soapdish
oo, pwedeng pwede hahaha.

4. Will you get married?
Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Queen
so i guess that's a yes?

5. What is your best friend’s theme song?
Spoliarium - Imago
wala akong best friend haha. baka ako na rin yan?

6. What is the story of your life?
The Way You Look Tonight - Frank Sinatra
hahahahahahaha.. ang barbero nito.

7. What was high school like?
Sorry - Cueshe
sorry ako na di ko naappreciate lahat ng kaklase ko hahaha.

8. How can you get ahead in life?
First Day High - Kamikazee
hehehe kailangan ko raw mag rexona para umasenso sa buhay :))

9. What is the best thing about your friends?
Someday We'll Know - Mandy Moore
baka di pa natin alam, malalaman pa natin sa future hehehe.

10. What is today going to be like?
Jeepney - Kala
ulul amf. aha

11. What is in store for the weekend?
Gemini - Sponge Cola
hahaha walang relevance eh

12. What song describes you?
Kung Wala Ka - Hale
hahahahahah sobrang drama ng kanta na to.. di naman ako ganun noh.

13. To describe your grandparents?
Hanggang Kailan - Orange and Lemons
eh dedox na karamihan sa kanila.. baka iniintay nila ako sa langit? hahaha

14. How is your life going?
Una - Sponge Cola
HAHAHA BULLSHIT MEN. partly applicable :P

15. What song will they play at your funeral?
Anino - Imago
haha well, i love imago i guess.

16. How does the world see you?
Angels or Devils - Dishwalla
hahahaha.. i'm a little bit of both.

17. Will you have a happy life?
Degeneration X - WWE Theme
well yes i guess :P

18. What do your friends really think of you?
Alert the Armory - Urbandub
hahahahahaha, takot sila sa akin?

19. Do people secretly lust after you?
Akap - Imago
baka merong may gusto sa akin ? hahahaha

20. How can I make myself happy?
I - 6 Cycle Mind
di ko gets.. siguro kung dumating na "siya"

21. What should you do with your life?
The Show - South Border
hahaha medyo bastos tong song eh, i should be more sexual? hahaha wtf.

22. Will you ever have children?
Only When I Sleep - The Corrs
ahahahahaha, baka sa panaginip ko na lang? or baka pag nagsleep together kami ;) hahahaha